When do we know when to cut the cord when it comes to less than ideal people in our lives?
It’s not always a cut and dry answer, but as I get older, it’s getting easier for me to make those difficult decisions.
First off, I feel compelled to state that I have an amazing group of very special friends and loving family members who enrich and brighten my world. I cherish them and go out of my way to make sure I stay in regular communication with them. And while it’s not always easy, because many of my favorite people don’t live anywhere near me, I try to plan visits as often as I can. And when physical face-to-faces aren’t in the cards, I thank my lucky stars for the intimacy of video calls.
But I’ll tell you, my circle is decidedly smaller today than it was a decade ago. And that’s okay. I’m better because of it.
Some of those people I was once close to naturally fell away because of distance or indifference. A couple of them decided they didn’t want to be my friend for various reasons, and that’s okay, too. And a select few have been essentially excommunicated by me because I felt we weren’t a good fit for one another.
And then there’s the selfish ones who, after years of trying, I finally realized I was tired of not getting back what I was giving.
Friendships are supposed to be a two way street after all.
Unfortunately, everyone has individuals in their orbit—whether they be friends, family members, or colleagues—who are downright uninterested in us. We can quickly tell who those people are when we’re having a conversation with them and they never ask any questions because, sadly, everything that comes out of their mouth is only about themselves, their goings on, their struggles, and their triumphs.
Are these folks unfeeling and uninterested if they don’t ask about our day, our loved ones, and our job?
And when you do get a word in, do these people immediately take what you shared with them, then immediately compare it to something about themselves?
Perhaps they are hopelessly self-absorbed narcissists. Or maybe they’re just clueless, having no real idea that they’re not shutting up long enough to listen to the person they’re talking to.
If the answer is ‘yes’ to any of the above, then it might be time to move on because it can be mentally exhausting to deal with people like that…and who has time for that?
Sadly, I’ve been in these situations more times than I can count, and to be honest, at 55 years old, I don’t have time for that anymore. I certainly wish them well, but I’m not putting in the effort anymore.
If I have lunch with a friend and she dominates 95% of the conversation, that’s not a date I’m going to be putting on my schedule again anytime too soon. I may think I love her, but she obviously doesn’t love me back. Of course, she might think she does, but that’s a large part of the problem; her love isn’t working for me because I can’t feel it.
The same goes for family members. While you might have to interact with Uncle Joe at the next family wedding reception, you don’t have to send him a birthday card or stop by the next time you’re within 30 miles of Tuscaloosa. (Although, to be fair, I don’t think I’ve ever been to Alabama, so I guess I don’t have to worry about that too much.)
You also don’t have to accept dinner dates or requests for folks to stay at your home, especially if you wouldn’t ever consider contacting them when you happen to find yourself in their neck of the woods. It might come as a surprise, but you have no obligation to make up your guest room bed for Cousin Karen, either, especially if she rubs you the wrong way every time you’ve ever been in the same room with her. Instead, suggest a few of your favorite hotels at various price points, then explain that you have a lot going on that week and might not be able to get away.
That kid from high school who you haven’t seen in 35 years? Yeah, he’ll be okay fending for himself when he comes to your downtown convention center for a tradeshow. He somehow got along all these years; he can’t be too crushed when your pad (or your company) isn’t available.
Do I sound heartless? I hope not, because this is a ‘good news’ kind of a site. But that’s the point, don’ ya know—because why would you spend your precious time with people you don’t love? People you don’t like?
Unless they owe you money or want to get to the bottom of why they did something horrible to you once upon a time, just politely decline and move on. And then they will, too.
Surrounding ourselves with enlightened, happy, loving people enriches our lives ten-fold. Having great friends who ask us questions and are genuinely interested in the answers is golden. Thoughtful people who remember your birthday and your favorite food…who care about your world and what’s going on in it…well, those are the people you want in your life.
But of course, you have to remember to give back what you receive, right? Make sure to remember to ask them questions. Know what their favorite things are. Remind yourself to send them a birthday card in the mail. Invite them to come visit you every now and then. And be sure to always remind them that you are happy and honored to have them in your life.
Don’t be afraid to tighten up that circle, unless you think there’s a chance they might leave you a fortune in their will, of course. If that’s the case, you can deal with almost any inconvenience.*
* Just kidding. Sort of. Not really.
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